Thursday, September 24, 2009

pleasure and pain

5th day of raya and am buried in work once again..
Nearing the deadline to submit this makes me more impatient and stressed!
Have to have faith in myself and finish this.

Raya was good for the 1st 3 days.. Family, food and catching up.. Though raya was a bit different for both sides (mine and hubby's) i think it went pretty well..

Think about my students who are celebrating it away for the first time and I know they are in good company.. Raya abroad may be sad at first but it's alright when you are in the company of friends..

Well.. i must go now and continue this struggle.. Will not be quite myself I think for the next month.. God, give me strength to move forward and complete my work..

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

unsung lullabies

A scan and blood test yesterday confirmed my worst fears that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

The joy and knowledge of being pregnant only lasted a week for me.. more than what I've ever experienced before.

The past August was spent in peace, away from work and stress (i think).. We followed doctors orders, took all shots.. bless my husband for acting as doctor at home.. and pretty much took safety precautions..

Reading so much on IVF and people's experiences actually kinda prepared me for the possibilities. It drove me a bit crazy cuz it got me acutely aware of every single change I was feeling or wanted to feel.. And so when the only symptom I had started to cease I started worrying.. and then came the visit yesterday..

It's ok to grieve a bit right? And cry too.. ? I'm only human.. A good cry is what one needs sometimes..

I'm calmer now but feel `empty' and a loss I can't explain.. I'm so glad my other half has given me the strength to pick myself up and to keep on trying.. God is great.. we are His humble servants and we can still try, try again.. The rest is up to Him.

I am still hoping and want to be brave to try again. But for now, am afraid my tears aren't drying up yet.. so please let me cry a little bit more..