Wednesday, November 18, 2009

musings

After a while, these thoughts are again entering my head..
when will it happen? why isn't it happening yet?.. how much longer..?

I guess it's cuz I'm less worried about other things these days I'm beginning to have time to indulge into these thoughts..

They must not stay in my head. But how can I make them go away?

Funny how people often call me the calm one.. but inside I think I experience these `turbulent' emotions just like any other person.., i think. Maybe I just don't show it.

But they creep up when I least expect it and once it hits me my heart aches with the same pain I've felt since trying.. It's just one of those things I suppose people like me have to go through. Though I wish sometimes it didn't hurt so much.

I want to believe that it will happen one day. It's just that I want that day to come quick!.. Dear God please grant me the patience and strength to endure this test of yours.. and please grant me my wish.. Amin...

On a lighter note.. (is it lighter?) I am highly anticipating my final act to complete my masters which will happen on the 24th when I present my work. Hope all will be well during and after the presentation.. So that I can start to really have a break this year.. :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

pleasure and pain

5th day of raya and am buried in work once again..
Nearing the deadline to submit this makes me more impatient and stressed!
Have to have faith in myself and finish this.

Raya was good for the 1st 3 days.. Family, food and catching up.. Though raya was a bit different for both sides (mine and hubby's) i think it went pretty well..

Think about my students who are celebrating it away for the first time and I know they are in good company.. Raya abroad may be sad at first but it's alright when you are in the company of friends..

Well.. i must go now and continue this struggle.. Will not be quite myself I think for the next month.. God, give me strength to move forward and complete my work..

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

unsung lullabies

A scan and blood test yesterday confirmed my worst fears that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

The joy and knowledge of being pregnant only lasted a week for me.. more than what I've ever experienced before.

The past August was spent in peace, away from work and stress (i think).. We followed doctors orders, took all shots.. bless my husband for acting as doctor at home.. and pretty much took safety precautions..

Reading so much on IVF and people's experiences actually kinda prepared me for the possibilities. It drove me a bit crazy cuz it got me acutely aware of every single change I was feeling or wanted to feel.. And so when the only symptom I had started to cease I started worrying.. and then came the visit yesterday..

It's ok to grieve a bit right? And cry too.. ? I'm only human.. A good cry is what one needs sometimes..

I'm calmer now but feel `empty' and a loss I can't explain.. I'm so glad my other half has given me the strength to pick myself up and to keep on trying.. God is great.. we are His humble servants and we can still try, try again.. The rest is up to Him.

I am still hoping and want to be brave to try again. But for now, am afraid my tears aren't drying up yet.. so please let me cry a little bit more..




Tuesday, August 4, 2009

the unknown

Experiencing something new is always scary I guess.. What people are usually afraid of is the unknown. Not knowing what will happen, hoping something will happen, waiting for it to happen, scared that if it doesn't happen, what will happen to us..

So I suppose it's no use getting all worked up on something that hasn't happened yet.

Instead, just pray that God will make it happen, make it work, and if it doesn't, prepare us for the worse.. After all, upon no soul does Allah place a burden greater than he can bear..

I will be praying hard these next few days for what I will be going through.. and pray Allah will be on my side all the way..






Monday, July 27, 2009

Moving too slow..

So many things to do..
so little time..
Need
to
have
more
time
and
strength
Help!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

my day

Today I celebrate my 34th birthday.. Plenty of wishes which certainly made my day!
Am still feeling young.. haha.. and pray that there is more to come.. at least more in time for me to see my children celebrate their birthdays at the age I am now.. :)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Screams, laughters and tears

A few days before the IB results came out I put this up on my facebook status:

'Success is a journey not a destination. The doing is usually more important than the outcome. Not everyone can be Number 1'

It was just fitting for the scenario before and after the results.. something that wasn't really my intention. But the quote will remain on my status for a while.. at least until the euphoria of the results have died down..

Yesterday was memorable indeed.. there were screams, sighs of relief and even tears..

For me I was happy and also sad to know some of the results. It made me wonder later on how one measures success.. I suppose it would mean different things for different people.. But I do believe efforts are rewarded accordingly and so even if we are upset with the outcome, we should reflect upon the process that went into it and learn from it.

As a teacher you always hope for the best and feel partly responsible for students' success or failures.. Realised that being a part of this IB program is as tough for teachers as it is for students too actually.. ;)

Will keep on praying that all my students will take on this next journey (after IB) with resilience and dedication I hope they still have.. and for those who fell, I hope they can pick themselves up again with the courage and spirit I know they possess..

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I'm back!

Have been itching to write..
But it will be brief..
First, kudos to my sensei, sifu blogger, Anis, for getting this blog refreshed and renewed.. it looks much better now.. ;) Thank you so much dear!
I will be more inspired to write I hope..
this sums up what's been going on so far..


Old faces are gone,
new faces are in
memories deeply stored

creep up
unexpectedly

Fresh ideas
new inspirations
high spirits
positive thoughts

Have hope
Have faith
Persevere
Be strong

Ok it wasn't really supposed to come out so poetic but its easier explained that way.. ;)
3 things that have been going on in my life so far, professionally and personally..

Till we meet again..

Friday, June 12, 2009

Gravity

One of my current favourite song..

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down


Think this would make a perfect song for `New Moon' - esp describing Bella's situation after Edward left.. sigh..

Monday, June 1, 2009

love

I'm one of those people who's usually drawn to love stories like a fish to the sea.. For many reasons really.. mainly because I love happy endings.. I love the craziness people get when they're in love, the look they have in their eyes, the stupid things they end up doing because they are. Then there's the kind of i'd die for you kinda love that for me sometimes is insane and silly really but nevertheless good drama to watch.. All in all, it makes me feel good and all warm inside..

The thing that gets me also is the realization that a person has when they know they're smitten, blown away, taken aback, you name it.. Those first feelings of attraction, the euphoria when you get a glimpse of him or her..

Love drives you crazy.. even if you're not in love.. does that make sense?

I guess everyone has their own version of what love is to them and I guess that's normal cuz it's a different experience for everyone.. It can't all be glorious as in a movie or a novel cuz nothing's perfect..

Yet I am a sucker for romantic movies or novels that make you just melt and be swooned over.. I'm no idealist, but once in a while you just wanna be swept off your feet, even if its just by a fictional character..

Friday, May 29, 2009

obsessions

I think I'm slightly crazy right now. Am in one of those `obsessive' moods of mine.. First it was korean series (and it still is, but less fanatical now due to `busy'-ness) and now it's a teenage vampire.. The novel I just bought is engaging and am dabbing my feet into the soundtrack now.. Not bad..

I get like this when I'm into something.. it becomes a bit crazy for a while and eventually I grow out of it..

But for now, am goin on this ride and gonna enjoy it till it lasts.. even if I'm not a crazy teenager.. haha!

I feel alive and it certainly lifts me up .. :)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

sisterly time..

Been spending time with my sis these past few days and I must say it's good to get to do that once in a while. We get so caught up in our own lives you take for granted that there are people around you who also matter.. It's a shame I don't get to see my sisters that often and to be honest, we don't really have much `sisterly' gatherings.. Met up with my other sis after a visit to the dentist just now and getting to chat over tea and scones was good enough for some sister time together.. :)
I guess its inevitable for people to lead different lives and lose touch with things which mattered before.. but eventually some may come to realise what they're missing and find ways to find it again. In my case.. spending quality time with siblings.. :)

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Goodbye..

Yesterday was the last day of exams for my students. Yesterday was a day of hugs, wishes and goodbyes. I think I turned out pretty ok in keeping my emotions intact.. haha.. Kept thinking that I will be seeing them during graduation.. so no worries there.. I asked some of them what they'd miss most about the college and some answered teachers, some were indifferent and thus making me wonder what their whole 2 years had meant all this while. You would think there would be something they'd take back with them close to heart.. I believe absence makes the heart grow fonder so one will surely reminisce back and miss `something', right?? Whatever it is, I'm sure 2 years was enough to build so many memories they'll surely cherish with friends especially and with teachers.. ;) It's goodbye for now dear students, but I'm sure I'll see you all again!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

the candle writes..

Can't believe it is already May and I didn't post anything in April!!

Shows how busy I've been. April was a month of many events. Some stressful, emotional, happy and touching..

In summary..

I had a smashing time at the Formula One event early in the month. I savoured the deafening sounds even though I didn't know who was leading let alone support any team!

School was crazy with the IRP month and what with organizing the golfing event and squeezing time for my master's assignment and studying for the exams.. The IRP month was especially testing and kept feeling torn between spending time with the 2nd years and 1st years of which I gave priority to the former.. :)

Then it was another emotional time when IRP ended and we all `let go' of the students to go study for the exams.. or was it just me? Anyhow, teacher's day celebration got me choked but I tried to hold back tears when we were all in the hall.. Found out how `forgiving' I was because the minute they all came to apologize I didn't really remember what mistakes they had done towards me.. :p

I guess the highlight of the month was the teacher's day celebrations because it boosted our self esteem even just for a day. Being appreciated and loved by your students means a lot. It's not about getting how many cards or presents from them but their words and looks of sincerity is enough to tell you how much we mean to them. That for me is what keeps me in this profession.. Having been able to touch people's heart and get touched back by them..

A saying I would like to remember from that day goes something like this:

A teacher is not like a burning candle that gives light to others but more of being the candle that provides the light for other candles...

So I really hope that from my almost 10 years of teaching that I have made it possible for anyone I've taught to have made a difference in others' life..

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Busy times

It has been a while since I last wrote and I must say, now, I have nothing much to reflect on. From the last post I probably have to say that the procedure didn't work.. I was disappointed but not so much at first.. then later it kinda hit me and I went through the whole "why stage?" all over again.. Just kept that to myself though and was kinda glad dear hubby was cool about everything.. Anyway.. next step maybe the BIG thing.. will keep you posted!

Other than that.. life has been hectic work, school, etc.. Said 'goodbye' to my 2nd years and felt a little choked up when I was giving my `last speech'.. Kinda dramatic huh.. Well, this is the first step of `letting them go' and I had been seeing that coming for months actually.. Don't know why I had to feel so affected. It's not that I won't be seeing them anymore.. But realised that there were some I'd remember more than others and also felt bad for not being able to really bond with everyone.. I know I can be idealistic, but I guess any teacher can tell you that they must have connected with some students more than others and end up remembering a certain few rather than everyone they taught. Will go through this a lot for the rest of my life as a teacher and I think I'll be this way at least for the next couple of years.. Until I become one of those `seasoned' teachers who probably become tough cookies in the end.. hehe..

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sad songs

Why is it that sad songs always are the ones you enjoy listening to the most? In my case I guess it's true.. Am a sucker for light and easy music.. Currently listening to the soundtrack of A Love to Kill and it has such killer songs hitting you right there in your heart.. (no. 3 especially) If you've seen the drama series you'd know what I mean. Don't have to understand Korean to feel what's being said in the lyrics.. Amazing.

But of course if a sad song just happens to hit the right note and lyrics with your current situation that's what makes it more meaningful.. Haha, been there!

Still, my life now is actually filled with more happier songs....

Sunday, January 25, 2009

A day of good company and good food

When there's a gathering, there's always good food to accompany it. Was good to meet old and new faces today.. Shows that there's more to life then just sitting infront of this computer.. ;)

Friday, January 23, 2009

I love my job

Realised today despite the manic days at work it's all worthwhile when i think of my students. They really light up your dull days sometimes.. ( and some days they can also turn it into dark clouds too..;) People have often asked me why I chose to become a teacher cuz they think like.. `did i not have a choice' or sthg like that. When I tell them it was MY choice it surprises them a bit. I loved English first. Was good at it, loved reading, writing, speaking.. and eventually I thought why not do something with what I'm good at. So teaching it was. And I don't think I'll ever look back.

Monday, January 12, 2009

those little things

I don't usually drive unless I have to. Like today. Hubby being away I had to drive myself to work.. Had to go renew my driver's license - where i had to wait soo long at the post office (the 2nd one i went to after not being able to park in the so little space at the Dengkil post office). Realised how I'd always have my dear husband to do those little things for me and appreciate it more now.. :( Will have to be more independent from now on and less like a helpless lamb.. Miss you Sayang!

ps/ love driving actually.. the power of controlling the car is great plus get to sing out loud in the car to my favourite music.. :) Today was Korean music..

Saturday, January 10, 2009

it's never too late to start

Sparked by my desire to be more IT-friendly I have to immerse myself in it..
So this is my first blog, created in less than 5 minutes and which I hope will be a start for my many reflections and muses..

Aging?

Something I've been discussing in class with my kids lately has led me to think of the many possibilities that all of us have in life. ...